What the…? Where am I? Oh yeah, I run a cycling blog, that’s right. I’m supposed to update it every day…yeah, it’s coming back to me now. Well, before I get too hammered, I better get on an update, right? Let’s start with how friggin’ idiotic Cyclingnews’ readers are. Why even have this category? Last year, everyone was like “Tour blah blah blah record-setting 6th win blah blah”, now it’s “Tour blah blah blah Lance’s last race blah blah blah”. Too bad the racing’s been “blah blah blah” as well. Why reward the sunburnt Texans who think Team Discovery’s controlling the race and then launching Lance is mindblowing cycling strategy? God, look at these comments from last year’s poll: “The Tour is the benchmark of cycling. The Olympics means next to nothing compared to it for heavens [sic] sake”. What eludes you about the meaning of 2004 in “2004 Reader Poll Results?” Only on Judgement Day, when Cyclingnews will conduct its “Best of Worldly Existence Poll” would that be an acceptable statement.

OK, so you got Christmas, the first night of Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa off. Break’s over kiddies, and school’s back in session. First item of business is a late Festivus, beginning with the traditional Airing of Grievances, otherwise known as the Worst of Cycling. Unit of measure for worstness is one Pavel, defined as the amount of frustration required to raise my systolic blood pressure 10mm of mercury. So, in no particular order, here is an abbreviated list (otherwise, we’d be here ’til Groundhog’s Day) of the Worst of the 2005 Pro Cycling season.

Ah, Erik Zabel. Despite being among the oldest and most accomplished riders in the peloton, the guy is still a breath of fresh air. This report (scroll to “Zabel”) shows the 35-year-old’s more sensitive side, revealing that he rode his own personal Tour de France after being left of T-Mobile’s squad (fat lot of good it did them) and that the most difficult good-bye for him was T-Mobile’s team massuer, with whom Zabel has a touching scene in Hell on Wheels. Despite the growing age gap between most riders and the former East German (yeah, remember there used to be two Germanies?), Zabel says he doesn’t feel old because “just like my colleagues, I’m interested in DVDs, I-Pods [sic], ring tones and such things.” I hope when I’m 35 I’m still this awesome. And able to lay down 1400 watts after 200k of racing.

According to the T-Mobile webpage, the “christmas goose is getting fat”. The Magenta Train is also reporting that Big Jan has already slimmed down to his ideal race weight (76kg). But have a look-see at this pic from T-Mobile’s recent South African training camp. Ullrich, the curly-haired chap on the left, does seem a bit pudgy, no? Especially when compared to this shot from a Floyd Landis interview at Daily Peloton. Obviously, a weeks or two of Tour de France will slim you down like no other, but still, I feel like that shot from camp looks a little rotund for 76kg (Not that I think Jan is fat or anything. Point of the story is that T-Mobile is lying. I’m probably tipping the scales at around 76kg right now and I’m 5’8″/173cm). And where are your helmets, boys? Do you want all the little German Fahrradkinder to think not wearing a helmet is cool?

Don’t listen to Chris Horner. Yeah, sure, he’s a successful cyclist and gets all these interviews, but the man does not like riding in the snow, and it’s well known that riding in the snow makes you a better person. In fact, it seems he doesn’t like anything that isn’t dry pavement. See what I mean? (ps – Chris, if you’re reading this, there’s something out there called a ‘cross bike – see if you can spot the differences between this and a regular road bike. Yeah, they’re different sports, too. How about that?) OK, I’m sorry, that was mean. But, and this is not a knock on the guy’s intellect, I just don’t feel he’s a good role model for the little kids. Why? Because unlike Christian Vande Velde or Michael Berry, he doesn’t write frequently. And, as Levi Leipheimer has decided, essay writing ought to be the greatest factor in bike racing success. I mean, think about it: Oscar Freire, currently still laid up with a bad sit bone, could write you 500 of the tightest words you ever read (in Spanish) about how if he hadn’t won the 1999 World Title, he’d be working in a factory right now. That would probably smoke any of the “bike racer vs. investment banker” polemics the Montanan is likely to receive.

Hey, did you guys know it was the holiday season? No sh!t, man, I’m serious. It almost slipped by me this year because, being as into cycling as we all are, we never get bombarded with all those Christmas, Kwanza and holiday ads (I’ve yet to see a Hannukkah ad, strangely enough, though I may just be watching the wrong TV channels…). Anyway, I suppose it’s nice to not be buried with the soulless “buy-me” holiday ethos, but still, without mainstream ads, how will we know what to buy? Oh well, our confusion is just part of being in a fringe sport, I guess. At least we know what type of car to drive, and how to tighten a fµ¢&ing quick release and how to wear a helmet, and, oh yeah, not to blame evil, faceless corporations for our own failures as parents (and one last hug to the “journalists” at ABC News for using the term “tire” where they clearly meant “wheel”).

Ho ho ho! I’ve got a lovely bag of Euro news for you this glorious winter morn. Leading off will be the latest and hopefully final episode in the Igor Astarloa saga (for this season, at least). After fairly reasonable rumors of a move to Lampre (one of his former teams), then talk of him switching to Liquigas, the Basque and ’03 World Road Race Champ has decided to remain with his current squad, the South African Barloworld outfit, for 2006. This means he’ll have to rely on wild card entries to get into the season’s biggest events, but with the partial dissolution of the ProTour last week, this seems like much less of issue than before. In other transfer news, former Disco rider Hayden Roulston, known well as a street fightin’ man (search “drunken brawl”) has moved to another American squad, HealthNet, probably because the medical coverage was better (yuk, yuk).

Geez, did I miss another day? Could that be because there is almost nothing to report? Not like much has changed today, but Belgian ‘cross star Bart Wellens did somehow manage to kick an abusive fan while riding away to victory (and, see for yourself, it was some Matrix-style sh!t). Cyclingnews reports here that the Race Jury was “appauled”, but upheld the Belgian’s victory nonetheless. I for one welcome this decision – so long as racers don’t go charging out into the crowds Ron Artest style, they ought to be able to defend themselves against unruly spectators who violate the course, either bodily or via projectile, as was the case for Wellens. They could call it “Wladimir’s Law,” after the luckless Italian, who was disqualified from the 2001 Giro for punching a fan. Sure, riders like Richard Virenque, Marco Pantani and Andy Hampsten have been punching fans for years, but Belli had the misfortune to sock Simoni’s l’il nephew (who’s also related to Francesco Moser).

You may have noticed I did not post yesterday. This was to protest the alleged “news” proferred to you readers by the mainstream cycling media. “Millar confirms with Saunier-Duval.” Pffft. That’s months old. Sure, I guess it wasn’t official yet, but with the amount of press given it, including an interview with Millar himself in this month’s ProCycling, I’d say it was pretty much a given. And “Petacchi in Doubt for Giro,” honestly, people, do you think everyone has forgotten the contentious ’06 Giro Route announcement? Or the running “How will Milram work out the Zabel/Petacchi situation?” Add that to US ‘cross nats retrospectives, interviews with formerly relevant GC racers and reader mail, and it makes for some decidedly bland stew. I won’t insult you by providing links to these stories; if they interest you, you’re as good at using Google as I am.

It’s not that I’m an unsentimental guy. I love wool jerseys, lugged steel, and wild, untamed sideburns flowing down from scraggly, unhelmeted mats of hair. These things are all great images of what was a golden age for cycling, between the true professionalization of the sport in the late 60′s, and doping specter of the 1990′s.

But that era of cycling is gone. Gone like 30-cents-a-gallon gasoline, slide rules and Jim Crow laws. Yet for some reason, there are large groups of people out there who not only think we should try to bring it all back, but that doing something as simple banning radios would be the fastest way to achieve this. I gotta say, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. Where should I begin?