What the-? Mid-April? Already? And only one race report? Yes, dear readers, I am sorry to have been so inactive this spring. But with all the chaos associated with getting a job, I haven’t been training as much as I like. And, of course, then upon landing a job, I trained so much that I gimped myself just a tad. But after a brief consultation with my physio, I got the green light to go full gas this weekend, and so signed up for Battenkill-Roubaix.

Now that Tom Boonen has completed a second incredible spring season, and is off the bike, kicking it at home in Monaco (search “holiday”), I’d like to take a moment to examine his achievements a little more closely. Currently, Tom Boonen is everything you could possibly want a World Road Race champion to be: an outgoing, friendly ambassador for the sport, a dedicated teammate, a devoted boyfriend (despite the fact that some think he’s too good (search “gurus”) for her), a respectful son to two sets (?) of parents, and just an all-around thoughtful dude. He is not, however, that great a bike racer.

Did you know that Quick.Step and Davitamon-Lotto have a rivalry? No, for real, it’s true (search “rivalry”). Of course, after this spring classics season, I wouldn’t blame you for being unaware.

Let’s count up Davitamon’s classics wins between Nokere Koerse (I know you’ve never heard of it, but it marks the official start of the classics season) and now. Ready? One: Bert Roesems at Nokere Koerse (that race you’ve never heard of). Two: there is no number two.

Look at this: at first, in response to his DQ at Paris-Roubaix, Davitamon’s Peter VanPetegem said “The decision was fair, and I won’t contest it”. And now? “Davitamon Protests Disqualification”. What a whiner. Apparently, he and everyone else complaining about the Roubaix DQs don’t realize just how deadly the game of “Beat the Train” can be. Yeah, the DQ-ed riders were out in the wide-open, rural, treeless, dead flat expanses of northern France, but still, trains are really big; it’s hard to judge their speed. There’s no way people who make their living negotiating 100kph descents on 22mm tires in hundred-man packs, or timing when to start a sprint for a 5cm-wide line from over 300 meters away, can accurately judge when it’s safe to cross ten feet of tarmac. Pat McQuaid is right to defend the jury’s decision by brandishing that gun in so menacing a fashion.

Ah, Paris-Roubaix. There is no finer example of bike-racing spectacle. Fabian Cancellara proved once again that the secret to victory is to keep your head up, attack once, and finish alone. Most news reports state that the CSC rider “dropped” Vlad Gusev to make good his escape, but this implies the Swiss rider made specific efforts to do so; a more accurate statement would be that Cancellara flat rode the Russian off his wheel. Walter Godefroot called it perfectly (search “Cancellara”) in selecting the former maillot jaune, as it would have taken a freight train to stop his charge to the finish. And strangely enough, that almost happened. In the end, though, the transient locomotive’s only impact on the race was to annoy Tom Boonen and to disqualify a chase group of Leif Hoste, Vlad Gusev and Peter Van Petegem, who apparently violated a UCI regulation against independent thought by realizing that they could cross the tracks without getting hit by the train

So I watched Pais Vasco live today, streaming from Eurosport. It was a nasty little race course, with a profile resembling the EKG of a cardiac spasm. Debate seems to be raging over whether there were 12 or 13 categorized climbs, but either way, no fun. Sammy Sanchez took a very classy win, dropping the camera moto on the final descent to catch a doomed late break, before hopping away again with Alberto Contador, on a descent with just over 2k to go. Contador, who apparenlty sprints like a sick nun, tried a move at 400-300m, but never got more than a bike length, and Sanchez came by easily to win. Most of the favorites rattled in 2 seconds to a minute down, but Chris Horner (Davitamon) lost time due to a late flat (scroll down), while Rabobank “leader” (scroll down) Thomas Dekker got straight up shelled and limped home 11 minutes out (I think Boogerd (+:02 today) will be their new GC threat). Liberty Seguros’ Joseba Beloki, who had been hoping to show some form had a not-so-hot day, staying with the lead until the lower reaches of the penultimate climb before losing 5 minutes.

Tom Boonen won Flanders again, and there is ample criticism (read Angelique Van Petegem’s comments at the bottom) directed at pretty much anyone not affiliated with Team Quick.Step. Dirk Demol has offered a few excuses (scroll down) but it’s unconvincing; if no mortals dare to challenge the dominance of LeFevere’s squad next weekend, I’m hoping that higher powers will intervene with a forest fire or snowstorm or something, just to keep it interesting. They might be calling Boonen the new Eddy Merckx, but thing is, The Cannibal got attacked every once in a while. The one-day wins in Merckx’s not-so-long career came against riders like Roger DeVlaminck (4x Roubaix champ) Francesco Moser (3x Roubaix champ) and Eric Lemen (3x Flanders champ), while VanPet is the only challenger Boonen has with more than a single classics win to his name. As Bernard Thevenet, the man who vanquished The Eddy at le Tour, said: “Tell me who was second to you and I will tell you the value of your victory”.

Discovery DS Dirk Demol is not a stupid man. “One thing is sure,” he told Eurosport yesterday, “The longer that everybody waits to make the race hard, the better for Boonen”. It’s sound logic, as the best way to upset a heavy favorite is to make things not go smoothly and predictably. What I don’t understand is why Demol never followed up on it.

So April 1! Bon Anniversaire to Paolo Bettini and GMail. As you might expect, fake news was everywyhere today. I’m a little disappointed in VeloNews for their attempt, which I guess they and Cyclingnews each got from Hed; maybe this was supposed to be part of the gag, I suppose, but it was funnier the first time. I think ProCycling had a joke article up earlier, too, but it was dry to the point that it might have been real, and in the end it’s all moot anyway because their site is currently down (yes, down again). Oh, I guess there was some racing today, won by Fabian Wegmann (Gerolsteiner), but more significantly, marking multiple Tour podium finisher Joseba Beloki’s (Liberty Seguros) return to competition (scroll to bottom). And though it’s barely related, here’s an interview with Stuart O’Grady (CSC), in which he remains positive in his outlook on the rest of the season.

In Belgium this morning, WADA stormtroopers raided the Quick.Step team bus just after dawn, on a tip that World Champion Tom Boonen had been using cocaine to boost the power and confidence of his sprinting ability. “We believe Boonen became addicted to blow after his wild night in Madrid last Fall”, stated WADA Chief Dick Pound at a press conference following the raid. “Our source informed us that Tom had begun speaking English with a Cuban accent, rather than his usual Dutch/British accent, and thrusting his hips about boldly as he walked. In the eyes of WADA, these textbook signs of cocaine abuse are more than enough justification for a raid.”

“Freeze, doper scum!” (click to enlarge)