So the ‘06 Giro is finally over. And thank fµ¢&ing God. Sure, the seven years of bad Tour luck in the form of Lance Armstrong (brought on, I’m told, by Pantani breaking his Coke mirror) delivered more than their fair share of dull Grand Tours. But now, with the Texan retired, to have the light at the end of the tunnel turn out to be an oncoming Ivan Basso? Not what I wanted to see. Say what you will about the Armstrong Tours, but at least they had subplots – some nice duels for the Green Jersey, Cipo’ racking up more stage wins and fines in a week than most riders see in a career, Team T-Meltdown, and that whole Simeoni thing. It may have been boring, but it was never dull.

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This isn’t a post so much as an update to some previous criticisms I made about Discovery Channel’s harebrained Race to Replace contest.

Much has happened since I first posted on the topic in April, including Joe Lindsey and TDFBlog expanding on (“ripping off”) my original sentiments, but today, word finally arrived in my inbox as to how exactly this disaster of promotion will go down (all quotes following are from this link at the offical Race to Replace page).

Let’s begin with the basics:

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Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

When this year’s Giro course was announced, I was pretty freakin’ psyched. I mean, an opening week on the on the cobbles and bergs of Belgium, some seriously rugged mountain-top finishes, and, mirable visu, a final day split-stage that looked potentially race-changing (uphill TT) without being unduly demanding (120k total) for the riders. What an excellent backdrop upon which to cast what has been the most exciting grand tour in recent years.

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Y’know what? This Giro would be a damned interesting race if it weren’t for a certain CSC rider all Lance-ing up the GC race. I mean, think about it – you’d have Jose Gutierrez about two minutes up on Savoldelli, who would in turn be 2-3 minutes up on like 5 different guys. Gutierrez has never been anywhere near the level he’s at now; would he crack like Nozal at the ‘03 Vuelta, or go on to triumph like Cunego at the ‘04 Giro? And Paolo’s allergy problems would sound less like an excuse (though I don’t think il Falco is the type to make excuses) and more like the promise of some exciting racing to come. I know few remaining stages are tough, but with two of the most prolific climbers gone, this race is starting to feel as finished as the ‘02 Tour.

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ILuvBratwurst: (this works best with an Arnold voice) Ha! I destroyed those puny little weaklings and won the stage. That will teach people to call me fat.
BassoNova77: Uh, yeah, Jan. Nice work. Keep it up.
ILuvBratwurst: I know, I know. I am incredible…wait a minute, are you being sarcastic?
BassoNova77: Maaaaaaybe
ILuvBratwurst: Are you not scared of my powerful muscles, puny Ivan? I destroyed you today. Just wait for the Tour, then I will really make killings on you.
BassoNova77: Let’s ignore the wind for now, and assume that the Tour TT is as pathtic as today’s stage (which is difficult to imagine, given that it had all of four corners and ran donwhill); you still only put 28 seconds on me.
ILuvBratwurst: So? Every Second Counts…did you not read the book?
BassoNova77: Actually, no. I got through about 30 pages before I had to start skipping from bike racing section to bike racing section.
ILuvBratwurst: Ja, it was terrible…
BassoNova77: Anyway Jan – where did today’s win put you on GC? Top 10?
ILuvBratwurst: No…
BassoNova77: Top 20?
ILuvBratwurst: Ja, something like that…
BassoNova77: Oh wait, I have the results sheet right here, and you are now…44th. At only 18 minutes back. So all you need is a TdF with 36 time trials and you’re all set.
ILuvBratwurst: But I am still training…
BassoNova77: Like you’ve been training the past two years?
ILuvBratwurst: …and I mutilated those other puny weaklings.
BassoNova77: Oooh, wow…yeah, you beat Rujano…Look, despite what Cyclingnews says, he’s not really a chrono guy – neither is Cunego. Remember back when Simoni said there were no climbers at the Tour? Well, what made him think that was the fact that there are no TT riders at the Giro.
ILuvBratwurst: What about my teammate Mick Rogers?
BassoNova77: Only good at Worlds.
ILuvBratwurst: Zabriskie won a Giro TT then beat Lance once during the TdF last year…
BassoNova77: Zabriskie ain’t here, is he?
ILuvBratwurst: Oh, it’s true. My big German heart is breaking.
BassoNova77: Please, this shouldn’t come as a shock to you. Lance said the last time he saw someone popping bubbly with a double-chin this big, it was Paul Giamatti at the 2004 Oscars afterparty.
ILuvBratwurst: At least my delicious, delicious food still loves me.
BassoNova77: And you love it right back, Jan.
ILuvBratwurst signed off
BassoNova77 signed off

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Many important things transpired over the past few days of racing, and I would have gone on witty little tangents about all of them. But, because I cannot open tabs in Internet Explorer, and because have I fried another logic board on my iBook just days after exhausting the warranty period, blogging has been all but impossible. Sadly, in the war of reality vs. biking, the former is a very frequent victor.

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Giro rest day? Already? Man, the world’s gone lazy. Not the riders, mind you – the journalists. Look at this: scattered clumps of reports, stories on yesterday’s “Oprah” – come on, guys, this is why some people hate blogs. Not that the “real” press has gone after it any harder; a trip to a bike factory? Oh yeah, guys, real tough. What’s next? Gonna profile a local brewery? Or visit a strip club?

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Ok! I’m settled in, I have a bed, at least one of my computers works, I found a passable burrito stand within walking distance of my office, and I’m pretty sure I can blog during lunch without getting fired. Unfortunately that means I’ll have to browse with IE, which is something (at least the way I surf) like trying to explain the nuances of bridge to an eight-year-old who hasn’t had his juice; I can’t open new tabs, there is no RSS feeds support, athe search window is a god-awful pop-up, new windows open don’t open at the home page, there’s no built-in search in the toolbar, and as an added slap in the balls, mistyped URLs trigger an MSN search. Awesome.

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I think we all should have smelled it last May, when Petacchi and his supporting cast offered themselves out as a a three million Euro package deal (search “Meanwhile”) just three days before committing a blunder on par with what I used to dodge in Collegiate C fields. Certainly, the harebrained dual-sprinter schemes (second paragraph) that kept changing as the off-season went on should have tipped us off, and by the much publicized ousting (scroll to “Sprenger”) of two former hard-liners from the squad, we all should have should have sensed that something was perhaps amiss back in the Milram team car.

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