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Bikes vs. The World: Round #6 – Dave Zabriskie vs. Zabriskie Point

cosmo — Tue, 24 Jan 2006 21:23:00 +0000

It’s baaack! And you thought I had gotten sick of it. Today’s match-up: Utah’s own Dave Zabriskie vs. the 1970 counter-culture classic Zabriskie Point. Click here for a listing of the previous battles.

Category	Bike Culture: Dave Zabriskie	Pop Culture: Zabriskie Point (1970)	Winner
Claim to Fame:	Bicycle racer, ‘04 US TT Champ, Fastest TT in TdF History, won stages in three straight Grand Tours	“Daring” Hollywood cinema attempt to cash in on popularity of 20-something angst and European directors	Dave; Point is hardly as memorable as its packaging declares
Directed By:	Bjarne Riis, 1996 Tour Winner	Michelangelo Antonioni, groundbreaking Italian neorealist, Oscar for lifetime acheievement, 1995	Point; you can tell who directed it just by wathcing. When I see DaveZ, sometimes I wonder…
Plagued By:	Horrific crashes	God-awful acting	Dave; crashes will always happen, bad acting never should
Memorable Quote:	“Rock and Roll, dude” (his only comment on winning a stage of the ‘05 Giro)	“Well, I’m willing to die, too…just not of boredom” (Mark, losing patience with student radicals meeting)	Point; c’mon, that’s a sweet line, despite its shabby delivery
Endorses:	First Endurance Innovative Racing Nutrients	Somewhat simple-minded escapism from the conformity of “establishment” America	Draw; I’m pretty disappointed (scroll to bottom) about both
Moment of Disbelief:	When Dave somehow hung on to win Stage 11 of the ‘04 Vuelta	When Mark somehow manages to steal, and then successfully fly off in, a plane	Dave; see, one of these things actually happened
Soundtrack By:	Westside Connection (scroll to bottom), Guns ‘n Roses (search “Guns”)	Pink Floyd, The Rolling Stones, The Grateful Dead	Draw; and, Dave, the song is “Out Ta Get Me” and the line is “You won’t catch me/ I’m fÂµÂ¢&in’ innocent”
Dialogue Best Described As:	Sparse	Sparse	Draw
Window of Cultural Relevance:	Opening, though he’ll have a hard time keeping America interested without recovering from cancer	Very small. If it had opened in 1965, it would have been huge, but being released in 1970, it closed almost before it began	Dave; here’s to hoping for something awesome, man
Ends With:	Only time will tell	About 10 minutes of houses, TV sets and refrigerators exploding over and over again while Pink Floyd wails in the background	Point; I have no idea what DZ’s demise will be like, but I imagine there’ll be fewer explosions

So it’s a 4-3 victory in favor of the CSC rider. Can’t say I’m surprised as I’ve never heard of anyone even mentioning Point outside a collegiate film class. Well, I guess CN did reference it (see link “Stage 11″ above) once. But those guys seem to know everything. Dave Zabriskie, on the other hand, is mentioned all over the place, like, um, in bike magazines, and, uh, y’know, bike magazines. Ok, so they’re both pretty esoteric. But clearly, Dave Z is the better of the two.

Bikes vs. The World: Round #5 – Jan Ullrich vs. Lars Ulrich

cosmo — Tue, 06 Dec 2005 20:58:00 +0000

Now we’re talking. The drummer of one of the all-time great metal bands versus the eternal challenger for the TdF title. Both German-born, both constantly disappointing me, both with the same last name. Oh, yeah, this is a gonna be a good one, folks. Far better than these other whimpy fights.

Category	Bike Culture: Jan Ullrich	Pop Culture: Lars Ulrich	Winner
Claim to Fame:	Bicycle racer, 1997 TdF winner, 5-time runner-up	Metal drummer, 7-time Grammy winner	Lars; As crappy as Grammys are, he’s won a lot
Supporting Cast:	Telekom/T-Mobile (1996-2002, 2004-present), Coast/Bianchi (2003)	Metallica (1981-1995), whimpier band with same name/members (1996-present)	Jan; allegedly, it took a crit of 60 for any other Telekom rider to win the TdF
Biggest Fans:	Germans, who apparently like him enough to spit on Jens Voight	30-somethings who lost touch before the sellout, teenagers who don’t know any better	Lars; Spitting on Jens Voight is a sin, and the black album (Metallica, 1999) was awesome
Low Moment:	Testing positive for ecstacy, getting arrested for drunk driving, losing the ‘98 TdF because he didn’t feel like riding in the rain, getting too fat in the off-season	Leading the fight of successful, millionaire artists against P2P file sharing, then offering legal assistance to Beatles copyright infringers	Jan; he may have done more bad stuff, but, to modify a clichÃ©, he never tried to have his cake. He only ate it. Repeatedly.
Significant Other:	Sara Steinhauser, teammate’s sister.	Connie Nielsen, Danish actress	Lars; c’mon, who dates their teammate’s sister?
Former Significant Other:	Gaby, ex-girlfriend, one child	Skylar Satenstein, ex-wife, two children	Jan; they tell me marriage is a sacred institution
Evil Nemesis:	Rain, Lance Armstrong	“Real” Metallica fans, file-sharing enthusiasts	Jan; Lance Armstrong is one hell of an evil nemisis to have
Most Effectively Spoofed With:	Playmobil figurines	Flash cartoons	Lars; His nasal ranting spun off an entire series of online aminations
Window of Cultural Relevance:	1993-present (starting with World Amateur Road Title)	1984-2003 (St. Anger was an ok effort)	Draw; it will be interesting to see if Jan can hold on for 6 more years
Lasting Contribution to Society:	A foil to Lance Armstrong, showing that despite immense talent, you will always lose to someone who’s willing work harder	Any number of hard hitting, musically complex, but lyrically unsound rock metal classics	Lars; it’s a tough call, but I really like “For Whom the Bell Tolls”

Man, another close one. 5-4 in favor of Ulrich with one “l”, and all because I feel in the arc of Lance Armstrong’s career, cancer and his own earlier laziness were his true antagonists, not the big German. If only Jan had been able to beat Lance in 2003. Then the last two Tours might have been worth watching, and (more importantly) Jan might have won this contest. It should be noted that in an actual fight, Jan would most likely destroy Lars, due to his massive height advantage over the drummer.

Bikes vs. The World: Round #4 – Steel 531 vs. Steel Reserve 211

cosmo — Mon, 28 Nov 2005 16:08:00 +0000

I really don’t know how these two combatants got tangled up. I mean, can you think of two things less related than a well-regarded vintage bike tubing and a smooth finishing, oddly glowing malt beverage? I guess it might be a make-up call for last week’s pathetically obvious battle. Rounds 1 and 2 can be found here and here, respectively. Now let’s get down to seeing which steel is more real.

Category	Bike Culture: Steel 531	Pop Culture: Steel Reserve 211	Winner
Claim to Fame:	For over half a century, the standard for high-end bicycle tubing	Premium “high gravity” malt liquor	531; based entirely on longevity
Named For:	Allegedly, the percentages of manganese, molybdenum and carbon in the tubing	Alchemical symbol for steel, which looks kind of like “211″	Draw; the factual soundess of each name is debatable
Craved By:	People who think technology peaked in 1935	Hobos, frat boys tired of drinking “Mickey’s“	Draw; it’s just too close to call
Known For:	“A very lively frame without any harshness in the ride quality”	“Nice basic flavor, balanced hop bite, adequate aromatics” and 8.1% alcohol by volume	211; 8.1% is at least quantifable
Dirty Little Secret:	Replaced by 753 and 853 tubesets some two decades ago	Insists that it is a “beer,” despite consensus opinion that it’s a malt liquor	531; most people who buy it seek an outdated product, anyway
Immortalized By:	More TdF wins than any other tubeset	The Ramones song “Gimme My Steel Reserve”	531; as much as I like the Ramones…
Evil Nemesis:	Humidity and salt	Alcohol content laws	211; no one is trying to sell malt liquor to Utahns
Environmental Friendliness:	Easily recycled, but you might have to pay a few dollars due to the unweildly shape of a bike frame	Easily recycled, but generally the bottles are just smashed and/or left in back alleys	531; I guess saving the Earth is worth a buck or two
Manufacturing Process:	I’m told it has to be lugged and brazed	Slow brewed for at least 28 days	Draw; given the effectivness of faster methods, each seems unnecessary
Lasting Contribution to Society:	Allowed people to judge the ride quality of a bike without ever riding it	None, really	211; encouraging people to buy bikes based on a sticker on the downtube is a net loss to humanity

Wow! Look at all those draws! Seems like these two had more in common than I thought. Really, this one could have gone either way (and after a bottle or two of Steel Reserve, probably would have) but in the end it’s good old Reynolds 531 squeaking out the 4-3 victory over Steel Reserve malt liqour. Who knows what sort of madness will show up here for next week’s installment

Bikes vs. The World: Round #3 – Lance Armstrong vs. Neil Armstrong

cosmo — Mon, 21 Nov 2005 17:45:00 +0000

Yeah, I know, this one is obvious. If you gave a 7-year-old kid a cycling blog, this is probably the sort of crap he’d come up with. But come on, I can’t keep filling this page with arcane nonsense or no one will want to read it.

Category	Bike Culture: Lance Armstrong	Pop Culture: Neil Armstrong	Winner
Claim to Fame:	First man to win 7 Tours de France	First man to walk on the moon	Neil; More danger + fewer moonwalkers than TdF winers = more greatness
Overcoming Adversity:	Beat post-metastasis testicular cancer	Flew 78 Korean War combat missions	Draw; both things are known to kill you
Portents of Future Greatness:	Won World Title at only 21	Recieved Air Medal and two Gold Stars at only 21	Neal; Lance risked losing, Neil risked his life.
Famous Quote:	“F@Â¢& you, Chiappucci!”	“That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”	Neil; for obvious reasons
Dirty Little Secret:	Urine samples from 1999 Tour win apparenly show evidence of EPO use	Someone else wrote his famous quote, and he misread it (said “for man” instead of “for a man’)	Neil; I like his version better, anyway
Hounded By:	French journalists jealous of success	Conspiracy theorists saying the landing was faked	Draw; both persecutors lost their credibilty long ago
Disregard for Self-Preservaton:	Ignored swollen testicle until it became too big for him to ride a bike	Used Purdue engineering degree to become test pilot	Lance; Ignoring cancer is way risker
Presidential Appointments:	Two (Presidential Council on Fitness, President’s Cancer Panel)	One (presidential commission investigating the Challenger explosion)	Lance; more commitees = more greatness, even if Neil was vice-chair of his
Civil Actions:	Tons; he’s sued or threatened to sue everyone from journalists to soigneurs to mechanics	Just one against a barber who sold his hair clippings without permission	Neil; his suit only asked that the hair be returned or the money donated to charity
Lasting Contribution to Society:	Emblem of hope for sufferers of debilitating diseases	Emblem of humanity’s abilty to achieve the seemingly impossible	Draw; both achievements undermined somewhat by drug allegations / Cold War subtext.

What irony that the winningest rider in the history of the Tour de France would turn out to be the first Bike Culture icon to loose a “Bikes vs. The World” event, in a near-blowout 5-2 decision. I suppose the competition was pretty tough, though, with his opponent being one of only 24 people to ever leave Earth’s orbit, and one of only 12 to walk on the moon. Still, Neil had a 41-year head start on Lance, so perhaps the younger Armstrong can add to his palmares a bit over the coming decades.