Back before the Internet, bike nerds must have had to crowd around well-thumbed copies of under-the-radar bike ‘zines at the LBS, squinting fitfully at blurry, black-and-white photos pirated out of Gazzetta dello Sport before coming up with clever things to say about how freakin’ ugly the new season’s kits were.

Can you imagine? Do you think fine details like the fake rivets and pockets on the notorious Carrera kits were even visible? Could they even tell that the Castorama kit was supposed to be a grocer’s Home Depot-style apron, and not hip waders or overalls? I shudder to even consider it.

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Right off the bat, the title should give you a hint that you might want to take this one with a grain of salt. Or several.

That said, despite regularly producing some of the most original, creative, highest quality work in the cycling world for the past four years, there’s a fair amount of respect I’m not getting. I don’t think there’s anyone out there doing what I do or even coming close to it—certainly not the people collecting redirects from the parties targeted above.

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Dude, are you serious?

Pop artists and savvy, successful designers from Shepard Fairey to Marc Newson to pretty much everyone short of friggin’ Banksy have styled custom bikes for you and this—this—is the kit you get to ride in every day? I cannot imagine a more artless and uninspired piece of lycra.

It’s like someone took an overworked, underpaid corporate designer and told them to re-imagine a cubicle as a bicycle kit, employing three necessary elements:

1. RadioShack Logo (w/ company name in Frutiger Black)
2. Livestrong Armband
3. RadioShack approved red (#C70E0E)

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A sleeveless jersey made an appearance in @CadelOfficial’s twitpic on the ‘09 Vuelta rest day:

There’s so much that caught me off-balance in this photo. Guess I should start off by saying that this is the most team support I’ve seen Evans get at Grand Tour since he started riding for Lotto.

Secondly, it’s not even that sunny out—I can see a preening Euro pro wanting to even out the tan lines but given the flat light, I’d have to say this choice is purely for style, not function.

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Also, is it just me, or do all Jon Vaughters’ shirts look the same?

(via Matthew Koschara’s Facebook feed)

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I can’t recall whether we came to a consensus over whether Vino’ was the Hulk or The Thing. Frankly, he’s been laying low so far this Vuelta, so I’d like to focus more on another, definitely not half-hearted race animator: Philippe Gilbert.

(Gilbert source) (Goblin source)

I think this one is a no-brainer. Both Gilbert and the Green Goblin show a frenzied disdain for the pre-orchestrated decorum of the peloton/society, and both have their faces frozen into the same maniacal expression for a near-entirety of their screen time.

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So is he supposed to be The Thing? Or The Incredible Hulk? Neither seems particularly conducive to being a cyclist, or particularly linked to Vino’s personality—The Thing was part of a team and relied on the abilities of three other superheros, and Bruce Banner, the Hulk’s initial human form, is a brilliant physicist.

I suppose one could take Vino’s muttery press conferences as the quiet, intentional reserve Banner shows when not hulked out. Other than turning green, Vino’ does have many Hulk-like attributes on the bike—but it’s hard to imagine someone as smart at Bruce Banner continuing to insist he never doped.

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Brad Wiggins is a forgetful guy. First off, he obviously misplaced his Garmin-Slipstream aero lid, and was forced to pair his Robin’s Egg and Creamsicle Argyle skinsuit with an obviously uncomplimentary Union Jack helmet.

His resulting detention by the fashion police doubtlessly cost him the stage (he was only :02 out), but the Brit seemed pleased enough with the performance—apparently he also forgot that he’s really, really good at racing for roughly four kilometers.

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So Ag2r, perennial also-ran at the Tour de France, has announced a new jersey for this year’s edition of the Grand Bouclé. Unfortunately, there was a mix-up at the printers, but through my European contacts, I’ve managed to get a copy of the actual jersey the team will be using this June:

If you’re curious, the font is Proxima Sans Medium, but Gill Sans MT Bold is a passable (and free) stand-in.

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This is why George Hincapie will never win Paris-Roubaix.

It might be OK if George were banking on his toughness to hock Carhartts or Dickies or a similar hard-wearing, blue collar brand. But multiple lines of fashionable, designer jeans—sold at the Dura-Ace price point of $145 a pair?! For shame.

Look at Johan Museeuw. More specifically, look at his hair. This is a man who’s won Paris-Roubaix three times, and clearly, fashion is not his native tongue. Roger deVlaeminck, who’s won PR more times than anyone, ever, was known as The Gypsy—not exactly a ringing endorsement of his choice in clothing.

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