If you’ve noticed the distinct, sharp-edge whiff of bile around the cycling world at the moment, don’t attribute it entirely to an excess of cheer at various holiday gatherings. Headlines at the end of the year—and the end of a decade, especially—always seem to reek more of regurgitation than perspiration.


It’s not that I’m above a year-end retrospective; I’ve done it at least once, and frankly, despite the four years that have transpired between then and now, that post is still one of the best end-of-year recaps around.

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Right off the bat, the title should give you a hint that you might want to take this one with a grain of salt. Or several.

That said, despite regularly producing some of the most original, creative, highest quality work in the cycling world for the past four years, there’s a fair amount of respect I’m not getting. I don’t think there’s anyone out there doing what I do or even coming close to it—certainly not the people collecting redirects from the parties targeted above.

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What the hell kind of sales pitch is this? Mr. “it is impossible to win without doping” Bernhard Kohl is now opening a massive bike shop? How are you gonna sell all that gram-saving, wind-cheating schlock to armies of overpaid Masters racers when you’re on record as a member of the Better Living Through Chemistry camp?

Kohl had just better hope that no enterprising competitors—an ex-con, ex-manager, for example—decide to open “rejuvenation clinics” in the neighborhood.

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Then, man—has Speedplay got the pair of pedals for you.

In a claim worthy of Chesterfield Cigarettes, Speedplay has asserted that wind tunnel testing has proved its pedals will save you an astounding 33 seconds per hour if you use the four bolt attachment.

There are, of course, the obvious problems with this wind-tunnel derived claim—you don’t ride hour-long time trials; even if you did, you couldn’t ride them a consistent 30mph; even you could, they have hills and corners, and you’re overweight and a lousy bike handler. Then there are cross-winds, other competitors, traffic, mental toughness, etc.

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If there’s a bike company that exemplifies everything I find ludicrous about the industry, it would be Kuota. From their rococo frame designs, paint jobs (or lack thereof), and high price tags, right down to the .it URL (even Campy isn’t that brand-obsessed), you’d be hard pressed to find a bike trying harder to draw attention away the shortcomings of its rider’s pe…personality.

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Now that I’ve gotten some sleep in lieu of videomaking, I’ve been trying to get my head around why I can’t get into these little baby stage races. Maybe it’s because they’re so anonymous—I mean, from Ruta del Sol onward, it’s just 5-day races with roughly three flat stages, two climbs and a time trial at the end.

This is very similar to my criticism of the Ardennes classics, at least after Amstel was revamped to have a stupid uphill finish—you’ve seen one, and you’ve (almost) seen them all. That’s what makes the Cobbles Week classics so interesting: they’ve each got their own unique character. The Ronde has those steep cobbled climbs, Wevelgem has the death-defying descent and looming threat of a group sprint if riders aren’t aggressive, and Roubaix is, well, Roubaix.

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I’m sure that at some point in my life, I’ll be disgraced. And when that day comes, I hope I can weather the storm and resign respectfully, without trampling my denouement under a landslide of excuses; e.g., “I’m not a married, self-loathing homosexual – I’m just prone to misunderstandings. Lots of them“. “I’m not into adolescent boys – I was just drunk. For the past past 11 years“. “I wasn’t doping – I was just having relationship problems”

Given the trend toward newer, more stringent anti-doping standards, I don’t think we’ll encounter a dearth of sniveling excuses in the ‘08 season, either, even if organizers are aiming for kinder, gentler races. To avoid these embarrassments, organizers will be seeking out out teams unlikely to turn up a doping positive, which means Jon Vaughters’ commitment to clean cycling should be netting him much more than “Sportsman of the Year” nominations. Even if Slipstream shakes out buck-naked last at every major event, no other team lets organizers make as strong a statement for the future of the sport.

If only the Germans had such foresight. With T-Mobile – er, I mean High Road – continuing to chase the dream of in-house testing, odds are their Giants will be getting invitations to the biggest races, and be seen as the face of a cleaner cycling. Adidas, Audi and T-Mobile, however, will simply be remembered as the companies who couldn’t risk advertising on non-doped riders, after funding the sport through its most chemically enhanced years. It’s like they haven’t noticed that Roberto Heras can’t get a job.

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What is up with doping stories these days? I mean, the Dopers Suck guy getting called out for a missed test? Come on, people. I guess the pros are just so clean now that the little guys are the only viable targets left. Alejandro Valverde? Officially clean. Or at least allowed to race at worlds. Same with Allen Davis; yesterday, it was unlikely he’d start. Now? Good to go.

Even when someone does kick dirt on the pros, it’s laughably apocryphal. A German news agency accusing Paolo Bettini of doping? Days before he defends his world title? When last year’s runner up was a German? And Worlds is being held in a German city? Riiiiiiight. If that doesn’t stink to high heaven, you’ve got a bright future in the septic tank repair industry. Besides, Bettini’s gotta be clean, right? He finally signed the DNA agreement instead of quitting.

Not gonna blab much about the two cyclocrossers taking titles in the TT. Everyone else is talking about that, and anyway, I think it’s more significant that the US put 3 women in the Top 5. At any rate, tomorrow’s ride in the cold rain should make for more interesting blog fodder. Not nearly as rich as the announcement of a transcontinental Tour de Stupid (410k stages?), or Yeti’s apparent pandering for a Trek buyout (integrated BB bearing cups? On a mountain bike? Really?), but still fun to write about.

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Note to Carlos Sastre – you know that finishing salute you do? Consider trying it on the days you don’t win. I have it from good sources that you always carry the pacifiers with you, so next time the urge strikes to complain about “secret pacts”, just pop one in, ok? You’ve been a professional for almost a decade now, and you ought to have learned at least three things: 1) unless you build a velodrome on the moon, someone will always be drafting; 2) it’s common practice for race leaders to cede stages to breakaway companions if they aren’t a GC threat; 3) if you’re looking for a “fair” sport, cycling isn’t it.

I mean, I could go on – Piepoli is prone to relentless, often foolhardy attacks; his tiny frame is a lousy draft for the six-foot-tall Menchov; Menchov’s “cooperation” with Piepoli late in the stage allowed many other GC threats to catch back up – but there’s been too much press on this non-issue already. Until someone starts stealing signals, I prefer to focus on more obvious outrages, such as tires that only work one way, the continued triumph of style over substance and “farewell” races that occur with two ProTour events still to come.

And it’s not like there’s a shortage of racing to talk about, either. Even with a Vuelta rest day (though apparently, not a very restful one), there’s the Tour de Britain (Cavendish didn’t win, so expect less coverage), and of course, the Tour de Poland (G-Steiner’s David Kopp took today’s stage, while Graeme Brown won yesterday’s event, despite the best efforts of the Polish Ministry of Propaganda. As for the Tour de Missouri…well, I’ll let the locals handle that.

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Sometimes, I find myself faced with crises of purpose. What am I doing here? Why can’t I figure out what I want to do with my life? Will I ever find something that satisfies me? It’s enough to really get me down sometimes. It’s a good thing I’ve got the boneheadedness of the bicycle industry to set me right again.

I suppose it was only a matter of time until some high-watt decided to apply the word “carbon” to drivetrains, and it’s a good thing the folks at Carbon Drive Systems did just that – otherwise I would have mistaken their “innovation” for a glorified fan belt. Anyway, it’s about time someone beefed up those flimsy polyurethane straps – they last a mere 60,000 miles while running in my car. With the glut of other unsuccessful belt-drive bicycles out there, it’s clear to see the addition of carbon fiber must do something to make this product newsworthy – perhaps by making it laterally stiff yet vertically compliant!

And really, isn’t a revamping of the single-speed drivetrain long overdue? I mean, it’s just so hard to maintain that single cog, single chain ring and chain. Sure, when it gives you 20, or even 30 gearing options, a chain drive is worth the painstaking process of applying a coat of lubricant, turning the crank a couple times, then wiping it clean. But when you’ve only got one gear, the reliability, adaptability and near-perfect efficiency of a chain drive simply can’t make up for the extra weight and apparent mud shedding issues.

One of the nice things about attending a college with an engineering school is that you get to dissuade people from pursuing a lot of really silly ideas. Occasionally, you you get to see something cool (though that’s not really how bike balance works) but for the most part, you just shoot down bad ideas. Overlooking than the general sensation of pedaling through sand, the belt-driven protoype I rode slipped under power at low revs, and derailed entirely at the cog around 100 RPM. Good thing none of these will ever be an issue on a singlespeed MTB…

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