If there’s a bike company that exemplifies everything I find ludicrous about the industry, it would be Kuota. From their rococo frame designs, paint jobs (or lack thereof), and high price tags, right down to the .it URL (even Campy isn’t that brand-obsessed), you’d be hard pressed to find a bike trying harder to draw attention away the shortcomings of its rider’s pe…personality.

Now that I’ve gotten some sleep in lieu of videomaking, I’ve been trying to get my head around why I can’t get into these little baby stage races. Maybe it’s because they’re so anonymous—I mean, from Ruta del Sol onward, it’s just 5-day races with roughly three flat stages, two climbs and a time trial at the end.

This is very similar to my criticism of the Ardennes classics, at least after Amstel was revamped to have a stupid uphill finish—you’ve seen one, and you’ve (almost) seen them all. That’s what makes the Cobbles Week classics so interesting: they’ve each got their own unique character. The Ronde has those steep cobbled climbs, Wevelgem has the death-defying descent and looming threat of a group sprint if riders aren’t aggressive, and Roubaix is, well, Roubaix.

I’m sure that at some point in my life, I’ll be disgraced. And when that day comes, I hope I can weather the storm and resign respectfully, without trampling my denouement under a landslide of excuses; e.g., “I’m not a married, self-loathing homosexual – I’m just prone to misunderstandings. Lots of them“. “I’m not into adolescent boys – I was just drunk. For the past past 11 years“. “I wasn’t doping – I was just having relationship problems”

Given the trend toward newer, more stringent anti-doping standards, I don’t think we’ll encounter a dearth of sniveling excuses in the ’08 season, either, even if organizers are aiming for kinder, gentler races. To avoid these embarrassments, organizers will be seeking out out teams unlikely to turn up a doping positive, which means Jon Vaughters’ commitment to clean cycling should be netting him much more than “Sportsman of the Year” nominations. Even if Slipstream shakes out buck-naked last at every major event, no other team lets organizers make as strong a statement for the future of the sport.

If only the Germans had such foresight. With T-Mobile – er, I mean High Road – continuing to chase the dream of in-house testing, odds are their Giants will be getting invitations to the biggest races, and be seen as the face of a cleaner cycling. Adidas, Audi and T-Mobile, however, will simply be remembered as the companies who couldn’t risk advertising on non-doped riders, after funding the sport through its most chemically enhanced years. It’s like they haven’t noticed that Roberto Heras can’t get a job.

What is up with doping stories these days? I mean, the Dopers Suck guy getting called out for a missed test? Come on, people. I guess the pros are just so clean now that the little guys are the only viable targets left. Alejandro Valverde? Officially clean. Or at least allowed to race at worlds. Same with Allen Davis; yesterday, it was unlikely he’d start. Now? Good to go.

Even when someone does kick dirt on the pros, it’s laughably apocryphal. A German news agency accusing Paolo Bettini of doping? Days before he defends his world title? When last year’s runner up was a German? And Worlds is being held in a German city? Riiiiiiight. If that doesn’t stink to high heaven, you’ve got a bright future in the septic tank repair industry. Besides, Bettini’s gotta be clean, right? He finally signed the DNA agreement instead of quitting.

Not gonna blab much about the two cyclocrossers taking titles in the TT. Everyone else is talking about that, and anyway, I think it’s more significant that the US put 3 women in the Top 5. At any rate, tomorrow’s ride in the cold rain should make for more interesting blog fodder. Not nearly as rich as the announcement of a transcontinental Tour de Stupid (410k stages?), or Yeti’s apparent pandering for a Trek buyout (integrated BB bearing cups? On a mountain bike? Really?), but still fun to write about.

Note to Carlos Sastre – you know that finishing salute you do? Consider trying it on the days you don’t win. I have it from good sources that you always carry the pacifiers with you, so next time the urge strikes to complain about “secret pacts”, just pop one in, ok? You’ve been a professional for almost a decade now, and you ought to have learned at least three things: 1) unless you build a velodrome on the moon, someone will always be drafting; 2) it’s common practice for race leaders to cede stages to breakaway companions if they aren’t a GC threat; 3) if you’re looking for a “fair” sport, cycling isn’t it.

I mean, I could go on – Piepoli is prone to relentless, often foolhardy attacks; his tiny frame is a lousy draft for the six-foot-tall Menchov; Menchov’s “cooperation” with Piepoli late in the stage allowed many other GC threats to catch back up – but there’s been too much press on this non-issue already. Until someone starts stealing signals, I prefer to focus on more obvious outrages, such as tires that only work one way, the continued triumph of style over substance and “farewell” races that occur with two ProTour events still to come.

And it’s not like there’s a shortage of racing to talk about, either. Even with a Vuelta rest day (though apparently, not a very restful one), there’s the Tour de Britain (Cavendish didn’t win, so expect less coverage), and of course, the Tour de Poland (G-Steiner’s David Kopp took today’s stage, while Graeme Brown won yesterday’s event, despite the best efforts of the Polish Ministry of Propaganda. As for the Tour de Missouri…well, I’ll let the locals handle that.

Sometimes, I find myself faced with crises of purpose. What am I doing here? Why can’t I figure out what I want to do with my life? Will I ever find something that satisfies me? It’s enough to really get me down sometimes. It’s a good thing I’ve got the boneheadedness of the bicycle industry to set me right again.

I suppose it was only a matter of time until some high-watt decided to apply the word “carbon” to drivetrains, and it’s a good thing the folks at Carbon Drive Systems did just that – otherwise I would have mistaken their “innovation” for a glorified fan belt. Anyway, it’s about time someone beefed up those flimsy polyurethane straps – they last a mere 60,000 miles while running in my car. With the glut of other unsuccessful belt-drive bicycles out there, it’s clear to see the addition of carbon fiber must do something to make this product newsworthy – perhaps by making it laterally stiff yet vertically compliant!

And really, isn’t a revamping of the single-speed drivetrain long overdue? I mean, it’s just so hard to maintain that single cog, single chain ring and chain. Sure, when it gives you 20, or even 30 gearing options, a chain drive is worth the painstaking process of applying a coat of lubricant, turning the crank a couple times, then wiping it clean. But when you’ve only got one gear, the reliability, adaptability and near-perfect efficiency of a chain drive simply can’t make up for the extra weight and apparent mud shedding issues.

One of the nice things about attending a college with an engineering school is that you get to dissuade people from pursuing a lot of really silly ideas. Occasionally, you you get to see something cool (though that’s not really how bike balance works) but for the most part, you just shoot down bad ideas. Overlooking than the general sensation of pedaling through sand, the belt-driven protoype I rode slipped under power at low revs, and derailed entirely at the cog around 100 RPM. Good thing none of these will ever be an issue on a singlespeed MTB…

So I don’t know who to blame. Sackless editors? Lazy writers? Why is it only after the Tour de France, when no one else is paying attention, that the “mainstream sports are dirty too” and “at least cycling tries to be clean” stories come out? Maybe I’m just a cynic, but it seems like the timing was designed to cause as little stir as possible. Still, I suppose that’s preferable to the aggressively antagonistic timing of anti-doping expert Werner Franke, who seems to have waited until after the Tour had declared a winner to go through the documents he stole and “prove” that person was doping. At least the UCI’s new doping Czar is getting such results that soon, the services of Franke will only be useful to the accused.

Continuing on the “things couldn’t get any worse” theme, Barloworld’s Ryan Cox has died at the age of 28. The loss of Cox, a talented, developing rider who will never get to fulfill his ostensibly immense potential, will certainly be a blow to a Barloworld squad riding high after an excellent TdF performance. But, if there’s any silver lining to be taken away from the former Langkawi Tour winner’s death, it’s that he died of complications from an arterial surgery, rather than the mysterious nocturnal heart attacks thought to be a side-effect of EPO abuse.

But it’s not all bad news, as Team Slipsteam, Jon Vaughters’ “as-dope-free-as-possible” squad, has gathered enough money to sign David Millar, Dave Zabriskie and Christian VandeVelde, plus a former Paris-Roubaix winner to be named later. These big signings will encourage other top-tier riders to give the team a shot, which should in turn catch the eye of the oligarchs at ASO, and hopefully, it won’t take the the Superweek Solution to get the squad into the TdF in the next two years. If they do get the bid, Slipstream won’t be the only new arrival: Campy’s electronic shifting gruppo is allegedly almost ready for prime time (although this year was far from its first TdF experience).

Finally! A normal sprint stage, won by a sprinter, animated by a decent break, carried out at a reasonable pace, and taking place entirely on French soil. It’s like were in the first week of the Tour de France, or something. Still looking forward to getting a peep at this one, just so I can see the awesome lead out by Hushovd’s teammate Julian Dean, who will no doubt be the least comfortable rider in the peloton when he hits the steaming French Alps in that all black kit. Still, from a fashion standpoint, it’s an improvement for the Credit Agricole team; remember what Kirsipuu’s CA kit used to look like?

It wasn’t such a great day for everyone, though. The folks at Campagnolo are probably a little bummed that their cool and pointless proto group got all scuffed up in a late-race crash. Personally, I think it was the Bike Gods taking revenge on the Cofidis team mechanics for leaving the cable stops on an electronically shifting bike. While I’d never hope for any specific rider to come to grief (except maybe Virenque), I do hope that Shimano’s fugly new carbon cranks (with their ludicrous Q-factor) suffer a similar fate; maybe they could get ripped off the Gerolsteiner team car at a drive-thru or something.

Bill Clinton was the reference of choice yesterday, but make no mistake about it, Ivan Basso will not gain the will of the people anytime soon. Even Jan Ullrich’s lawyer is under-awed by the Basso admission. So imagine how little people must care about Michele Scarponi’s confession. He didn’t even get first billing on today’s news! Though his report has been sealed, it’s rumored he’s made up for his late confession by naming names, and detailing to authorities exactly how the Puerto dope network was run.

Sure, there was racing, the second of six stages at the Four Days, to be precise. But who cares? It’s friggin’ Giro time! Word is Honchar’s out due to sickness, Honchar’s out, and Hamilton et al. are stull up in the air, but c’mon, a little doping intrigue is nothing new at the Giro. Cyclingnews thinks this Giro will be one of the most open and fairly contested in years – of course, that’s what they said about last year’s Tour, too.

Speaking of the Landis case, there’s been yet another impropriety by the prosecution; it’s like they’re determined to get Landis sprung on a technicality. Oscar Pereiro, who hasn’t had the best season thus far, is probably pulling his hair out; kind of makes me wonder why Simoni, the first non-Puerto rider at last year’s Giro, has kept his notoriously loud mouth shut on last year’s race.

But who ever said cycling was clean? There’s subterfuge everywhere you look: race organizers complaining about the presumption of innocence; respected “tech experts” still hocking products weeks after a Vegas junket; heck, full-length testimonials parading as news right alongside ads for the very component they endorse – I got your “Real World Proof” right here! Ah well, there’s still one last bastion of bike racing purity – at least, I hope there is.

I think Tom Boonen likes his new bike. I mean, it could have been Mike Sinyard called him and was all like, “yo, Tom, bro – quit harshin’ on my rides”. But after Boonen’s emphatic victory celebration today at the Dwars door Vlaanderen, in which he pointed repeatedly at the top tube and grinned like an E-popping club rat on a velour couch, I think he really did like the bike. Cycling.TV‘s commentators suggested he was indicating something wrong with his front wheel, but why would anyone celebrate that?