The Cycling.TV Drinking Game

Not sure how many of you will find this useful, but here goes: alcohol has long been used to augment classics of cinema, and I have here attempted to carry that spirit over into the classics of cycling. I know that most of Cycling.TV‘s races air between 7 and 9am EDT, but that’s what they invented Bloody Marys and Mimosas for, right? I think the real issue may be that college students, who seem to find the most use for such boozy diversions, are either asleep or racing on early Sunday when the races are run. I suppose you could do it to their on-demand race highlights, but where’s the fun in that? Anyway, this should make tomorrow’s Liege a blast, no matter how conservatively it’s raced.

The game goes like this: all players drink on each of the prompts listed below. A drink is defined as anywhere from a tender sip to a hearty swig of the player’s beverage of choice, at the player’s discretion, based on his or her target level of intoxication and plans for the rest of the day. Game ends when the race does; if all goes well, everyone’s a winner.

Drink every time the streaming video jumps, stalls, or is interrupted; drink twice if you have to reset it.

Drink once for every one of your friends who will have to wait 10 hours to watch the tape delay on OLN.

Drink every time Anthony asks an easy question just to make Brian talk some more (you’ll have to exercise your own judgement on this one).

Drink every time Brian criticizes a rider for wasting too much energy; drink twice if the rider is Paolo Bettini.

Drink every time Anthony talks about how nice the pictures are.

Drink every time Anthony talks about how they can’t be blamed for bad camera work.

Drink every time Anthony uses the phrase “come to grief”, “spent force” or “armchair ride”, describes a hill’s grade as a ratio (instead of a percent), makes an “Ooooffff” noise, or refers to a team as “The [insert team name]” (e.g. “The Liquigas”, “The Quick.Step”, etc)

Drink every time Brian makes a cell phone call to Sean Yates, Scott Sunderland, or any of his other contacts in the team car; drink twice if they can’t get though.

Drink if Anthony’s or Brian’s pick wins; finish your drink if Anthony lies and claims to have picked the winner after the race ends.

Drink every time Brian looks bored when he’s in the studio.

Drink every time English profanity or crudely-rendered genitals are scrawled across the road.

Drink every time a rider who was previously described as “looking strong” gets dropped.

Drink every time an email message is read on-air.

Drink every time a commercial break is less than 30 seconds long.

Drink every time Brian agrees (with anything).

Drink every time a player mentions Phil Ligget or Paul Sherwen; drink twice if they mention Bob Roll (abuse of this rule is considered poor form).

Drink every time Anthony hopefully suggests that a rider he can’t identify is British or American; drink twice if the rider actually is British or American.

Drink every time Anthony encourages viewers to buy the Premium service.

Drink every time Anthony expresses hope that a late-race move will stay clear; drink twice if Brian believes the winner will instead come from the second group.

Drink every time the controls are unavailable (as far as I can tell, they are always unavailable – just click them if you’re feeling thirsty).

Drink every time a post-race interview is conducted in English; drink twice if it involves profanity.