Archive | December, 2006

Top 10 Ways I'd Like to See Dick Pound Die

19 Dec

I know, I know – it’s not nice to wish death upon people. But I’m not doing that. Everyone, Dick Pound included, is going to die someday. I’m simply compiling a list of the Top Ten ways in which I’d like to see him pass on.

It was extremely hard to limit this to ten items, by the way, so feel free to add any you think should have made the cut in the “comments” section.

Top 10 Ways I’d Like to See Dick Pound Die

10) Starving to death following bankruptcy after being forced to pay accused dopers’ legal fees.

9) Surgical complications after undergoing medical procedure that has not met peer review.

8) Brain embolism and resulting hemorrhage after high profile athlete beats a dope case.

7) Beaten to death by frustrated CycleSport reporter after recycling same three soundbites for the umpteenth time.

6) Suicide after being wrongly accused of a child pornography and realizing that a “not guilty” verdict won’t salvage his reputation.

5) Traffic accident while commuting between his three six-figure jobs.

4) Asthma attack; lethal because employer banned him from using a rescue inhaler.

3) Blood coagulation after being transfused with the wrong blood type due to “routine lab error”.

2) Wrongly sentenced to death after prosecution witnesses are legally prevented from presenting exculpatory evidence.

1) Injected with a lethal dose of EPO by Nazi frogmen.

Danes Ban Suspects, The LA Times Pounds Pound

12 Dec

Just when you thought the Idiot Train had discharged all passengers – TOOT! TOOT! – guess who steps onto the platform? Why, it’s Jesper Worre, organizer of largely irrelevant Tour of Denmark, who has declared that Ivan Basso is not welcome at his race. Worre justified his decision with this cryptic remark:

“The fact alone that DS Bruyneel says they have four lawyers looking at things shows that he is in doubt. And if you are in doubt, let it be”.

Next time, he might want to consider hiring Lindsay Lohan to tidy that press statement up for him.

Still, Worre’s inability defend his opinions critically will no doubt receive praise from Hans-Michael Holczer, the Gerolsteiner manager now pressing for race organizers to exclude teams based on doping suspicion. Holczer, a former history teacher who could perhaps use a course on civics, seems to think the race organizers and ICPT, neither of whom have a codified, public set of rules, should decide who’s doping and who can and can’t compete in bike races. I mean, seriously, what do we need WADA and the UCI for, anyway?

Of course, people on this side of the Atlantic, perhaps less comfortable with the concept of arbitrary authority, don’t seem to care much for any of these Euronyms. The LA Times became just the latest major media organization to publicly denounce WADA protocol for it’s improprieties. You can, by the way, add Rory Sutherland to the laundry list of mistreated athletes in that article. Can you really blame him for not appealing when it’s far more economically viable to sit out the suspension? Perhaps Dick Pound should start a fund with the income from one of his other six-figure jobs to help athletes defend themselves.

The Winds of Change

7 Dec

I feel this strange drop in temperature all of a sudden. Some might say “oh, Cosmo, you haven’t posted in so long; you must not realize that it’s December.” These people are clearly idiots and have never heard of global warming. The refreshing chill that I’m talking about is due not to cooler prevailing winds but cooler heads prevailing.

First off, we have Phil Liggett condemning the recent UCI megalomania in the soft-but-firm style that is so unquestionably his. Would have been nicer if he’d taken a similar approach to the AIGCP back in July, but at this point, I’ll take what I can get. Maybe he’ll back it up by putting his name on this petition, supporting Jan Ullrich’s return to the peloton.

Also firing shots on behalf of der Kaiser this week was his new manager, Wolfgang Strohband. A few days back, the Tour of Germany organizers took it upon themselves nine months in advance) to ban Ullrich and Basso, despite the fact that they’re both clear to race. Strohband reminded everyone that the Tour of Germany wouldn’t exist without Jan and that it’s dangerous to let sponsor pressure dictate how a race is run. He’s right; just imagine what kind of freaky crap could go down at the Amgen Tour of Cali.

Meanwhile, the Brits have come up with an interesting doping solution: Team 100% ME. Overlooking the corny name (sounds like some sort of self-esteem mantra), the idea of riders having regular, year round tests to establish baseline blood and hormonal levels, thus “proving” they’re clean, is a good idea – provided it’s voluntary. Baseline testing would be a great PR move for any cyclist, essentially guaranteeing clean performance, but as recently-crowned World Champ Paolo indicates, many riders would rather quit than submit to more procedures.

In the same ANSA interview, the ’06 arc en ciel also calls out country Ivan Basso for flip-flopping on the DNA issue. Paolo, if I were you, I wouldn’t put a whole lot of stock in Basso’s ability to generate wattage above the neck. After all, here’s a guy who was unfairly banned from the ’06 TdF on a doping charge, calling the guy who came in second at the ’06 TdF “the moral victor” because of an unproven doping charge. I don’t want to smear Basso’s reputation any further here, but maybe that’s why they call it “dope”?

Politics and Polymorphisms

1 Dec

I was going to post this essay here, but I’d rather have someone read it. Besides, none of it is really “news” per se.